Raptor Inc.: SLENDERMAN VS. HOLLYWOOD

If there is one horrible, disgusting creature that wants to wrap it's tentacles around your wallet it's Hollywood. This is what happens when said creature figures it can exploit the interweb sub-culture for movie ideas:

They didn't even have the decency to make him look like something other than a homeless Ezio Auditore da Firenze.

Yes, The Tall Man. The imdb page offers the synopsis of :"When her child goes missing, a mother looks to unravel the legend of the Tall Man, an entity who allegedly abducts children." The fact they're using Jessica Biel as the hook should be evidence enough this thing is gonna blow monkey dick across the land.

I mentioned monkeys so this relevant... I think.

Why would they do this, you ask? Because Hollywood is greed in manifest and they need money, all those starving movie execs need their coffee, dammit. As for why they chose to turn a meme into a movie, your guess is as good as mine. I doubt this thing is targeted to fans of the Slenderman himself but rather the result of a prophecy that foretells of an upcoming shift of interestet towards a semi-popular idea that resulted in an accountant-bred script that was hashed out to make a quick buck. The people who made the decision to make this movie, the same breed who forced the reboot of Spiderman though for slightly different reasons, have been at this game for a long time and they can probably smell upcoming trends like my dog can smell bacon through a lead wall. I'm not saying memes are about to take a sudden leap into mainstream pop culture but... what if?

They're starving.

The Slenderman is a legendary meme and I won't go into the back story of the character here; however, if you're interested, MemeBase offers a thorough description of how the guy came to be and how the Internet blew him up into the modern mythological, web-based powerhouse he is today. If you don't feel like sifting through all that crap here's my description: He is a faceless, skinny, tall, pale dude in a suit with tentacles (sometimes), and has a thing for stealing kids and standing creepily in the background.

He was photo bombing before it was cool.

To me he can be seen as a metaphor for the average American's fear of the government, a faceless entity with many arms preying upon children and the unwary. He has no apparent rules to where he can be and he is always watching his victims day and night, even in their own homes. He is frequently portrayed in wooded areas distanced from civilization which could also be symbolic of the tendrils of man pushing out the nature-based monsters of the past and extending into the wild, leaving no place untouched. He is a modern day boogie man, a representation of our society's fears and paranoia and there is no safe place from his grasp. I find this all very ironic considering the commercialization that is actually happening to him as represented by the release of this movie, and thus proving once again how Hollywood loves to rape the good out of everything.

I couldn't resist.

If you're truly craving a Slenderman film-based narrative I suggest the pretty decent Marble Hornets series on YouTube. It's told from the first person, shaky-cam perspective of a college student who's trying to track down his friend who is apparently being stalked by the elusive Slenderman for unknown reasons, though in this series the monster is referred to as 'The Operator' but who gives a shit? It's still Slender and it's worth a watch, especially if you're into the Paranormal Activity/Blair Witch style of storytelling.

This is a screen from Marble Hornets.

But that's that. Who knows, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass (not surprising) and needed something to post this week. Regardless, here is a small Slenderman gallery I've dug up from various sources around the web. Take a gander and try to get some sleep tonight (click the picture to enlarge).