The Language of College Professors

I've found that every professor at school seems to speak in their own unique language. I'm not sure if it's that all History teachers sound like History teachers and all Science teachers sound like nerds or something but every single one of my teachers is their own unique butterfly when it comes to communication.

One of my teachers in particular has a style that makes it virtually impossible to focus on, it's about the same pace as a snail on crutches with the same intonation as a sleepy washing machine and while you're listening all you can think of is, "there's not enough coffee for this conversation." That being said, that style has almost become a challenge for me and I impart this advice on anyone who is having trouble understanding one of their teachers; make a game out of it. Trying to decipher what the teacher is actually talking about has become an exercise for me, it's like being a detective during the interrogation of a murder suspect or watching a movie where the audience knows who the killer is but the rest of the characters don't and you're picking up on the subtle hints that could give him away if only the stupid characters in the show knew what to look for (10 points to whoever can guess the name of that literary device.)

So while the rest of the class passes out and creates small flood planes with their collective drool I'm picking apart mysteries and being the scholarly detective of Baker Street and you should be too. 

Don't be one of those guys.

Yaaaay Art School

So I'm in college now and I made this comic because I haven't made one in a while and I need a good reference level for my artistic skill as it develops through the magic of MS Paint and programs beyond. I'm in for Media Arts & Animation at the lovely Art Institute of Jacksonville. Now if I can only get some part-time work going so I don't go broke while trying to edumacate myself...

Comic: Unemployment

So we're approaching the one year anniversary of anything being posted on this blog. What's happened in this year long span? Well Darris has disappeared, Dillon started online college, Ryan bought some Gundam models, and that Amber chick... well let's not go there due to legal reasons. Me? Well I was using my job as an excuse to do nothing but play video games and sleep a bunch. WELL NOT ANYMORE! I got laid off. Yes, I'm part of that percentage now. Anyway, I like this blog and I like writing and drawing crappy MS Paint comics and crap for it so I'm gonna do that now. Anything else that happens, happens.

Impulse Buying While Depressed

Have you ever bought anything on impulse while you were depressed? I have. In fact it seems as my mood goes down excess crap goes up. I find there is a sudden rush as the transaction completes, an injection of relief from the sinking sadness as I open the package, hope that beams from the prospect of a fresh purchase. But oh, how quickly that euphoria fades. I find myself with shelves of unread art books and classics I’ve always wanted to read and felt that I could somehow assimilate into myself through touch and ownership. I have a sushi making kit I never use and boxes of craft odds and ends, stacks of unplayed games, and reams of forgotten sheet music I swore to myself I would learn; and I always have every intention of keeping that promise. When you’re down and looking for a ladder to pull yourself back up to feeling okay again, you’ll promise anything if you can just find that first rung and start the climb. Somehow I never quite make it to the top. I’ve heard stories of people who have made it, burnt themselves out by knitting a dozen Afghans or baked enough croissants to feed a Boy Scout troop, but I never get there. I always make it past the first step, the “beginner” phase before the drive peters out and I’m back where I began at the bottom of the ladder. Such is my life. I can talk about everything from how to build Tryndamere in League of Legends to the importance of sanding every part of a ukulele body except where the neck will be glued at the top. But I can’t stop the cycle. It’s why this blog seems to get going in spurts before falling dormant again until the next creative explosion.

I was surprised to learn that my behavior could be described as self-medicating and I’m not the only one who does it. Wikipedia describes this as: “a human behavior in which an individual uses unprescribed drugs to treat untreated and often undiagnosed medical ailments.”  Impulse buying can become an addiction and I’m never truly proud of myself when it’s all said and done. I think about how much I could have had saved if I could have controlled myself a little better, and if you can’t do something without regretting yet find yourself continuing to do it it’s never a good sign. Self-medication doesn’t have to be limited to drug use; it could be any negative behavior you use to find relief. Wikipedia goes on to say: “The psychology of such behavior within the specific context of using recreational drugs, psychoactive drugs, alcohol, and other self-soothing forms of behavior to alleviate symptoms of mental distress, stress and anxiety. including mental illnesses and/or psychological trauma, is particularly unique and can serve as a serious detriment to physical and mental health if motivated by addictive mechanisms.” And then sums up with: “Self-medication is often seen as gaining personal independence from established medicine.” Lol.

So how does someone like me get better? It’s not as easy as my father would say, “just stop doing it. You know you’re doing it so stop.” If I could do than it wouldn’t be a problem. Some people have suggested hiding your credit card and only working with cash but in this day and age where websites save your payment information and plastic prevents you from losing loads of dosh or having it stolen from your wallet that’s not really an option. You could always try REAL medication but the thought of that is usually more depressing than where you are currently at. What I have found to be a reasonable solution is to make a list of things you want, call it your wish list, Santa Letter, whatever. Put on this list a bunch of things you wish you had, materials for hobbies you wish you could learn or a movie you wish you had seen or a book you’ve always wanted to read, maybe put ‘lessons’ on there instead of material goods so you can actually get some more motivation to complete your goal. In fact, if you’re going to go with lessons or a hobby another good way to stick to it is to tell someone you trust to ride your ass till it’s done. Guilt trips are marvelous. But anyway, when you feel yourself sinking and you need to scratch that itch, go to your wish list. Always put small things on this list, budget items you know you want and you know you can get that release from acquiring; think thrift stores and eBay. That way you can get your fix and still have enough cash left over to pay the light note. No, it’s not a perfect solution but there seldom is in life and all its whimsical little struggles.

I’m going to try to keep the blog going this time, an article a week is my goal with a little bit of comic mischief in the mix. Don’t expect Penny Arcade quality, I’m working with what I got over here. As for the rest of the crew: Darris is dealing with possible homelessness so he’s a bit tied up at the moment trying to save up or move, Ryan is split between saying he’s going to study for his A+ certification and buying a million video games he’ll never play (irony), saying Dillon will commit to anything is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, and Auverin is so bogged down with college work it’s a wonder the pressure hasn’t turned her into a tiny diamond Auvey. I’m in a perpetual rift caused by my love of music, art, and writing with the bane of video games always snapping the life away from me with its instant gratification and sweet graphics. But I’m gonna try. I know it seems like I’m not always successful, but I’m still gonna try.

Wood Elves are Closet Cannibals

Oh, the beloved elf.

I must admit that I am very partial to elven races in pretty much any game I play. So it’s only logical that I produce an article about them, right?

Elf characters are definitely not suited for everyone. If you’re looking to hack and slash your way through a game with as much blood and as many execution kills as possible, I would suggest you choose a different race. But you know that already, don’t you?

Let’s talk about the elf race in general for a minute. Now, when I say elf race, I am thinking of wood elves. Dark elves, high elves, moon elves, and the like are another beast entirely. Keeping that in mind, it’s safe to say that no matter what game you’re playing (or what movie/book you are watching/reading), you can expect certain things out of the them. They’re generally described in the same manner across the board: shorter than other races, pointy ears, blonde to copper hair, green/brown/hazel eyes. All that good stuff. They’re people deeply rooted in the land, and they dress and act accordingly. Simple clothes, armor/weapons made from natural material, you get the picture. Because of their land (or tree) dwelling lifestyle and generally smaller stature, they’re very nimble. Elves are known for their agility and stealth skills, making them a good choice for those who prefer a sneak-and-snipe style of gameplay.

Look at those..that dagger. Yeah, the dagger.

What else are the elves known for? That’s right...archery! Almost every elven race you encounter, no matter what the game, is guaranteed to excel in the marksman skill set. And their affinity for bows isn’t arbitrary; it’s a natural choice for their race because of their sneaking ability and their connection to the land. (I imagine it’s a damn hard thing to make a useful sword out of wood or animal bone, but you can make a hell of a bow out of a tree branch or deer rib if you’ve got the skill.) Besides, most elven races rely on wild game as a primary source of food. And unless you’re wuld nah kest-ing your way through a hunting area, you’re not going to bring that elk down with a longsword.

All that said, you can probably guess how skills are broken up with elven races. Dexterity is the big one. I’ve never encountered a wood elf class that doesn’t have some bonus to dexterity/agility. Speed is up there too. Elves are quick little shits, because they have to be to make up for their general lack of strength and endurance somehow.  I’ve seen some games give elven races a boost to intelligence or magic skills. (This is usually truer for dark or high elves than wood elves, but it does happen.) The only purpose I could see for giving a wood elf those perks would be for healing/restoration magic.  (Unless we’re looking at Dragon Age, which I’ll get to.) You’ll also see perks in areas like marksmanship, light armor, alchemy/herbalism, short (or one handed) weapons, sneak, dual-wielding, and the like. Some games (read: TES), include other perks like poison/disease resistance, special abilities with animals, and so on.  Put all that together, and you’ve got a good foundation to build a ranger, rogue, or scout character. But watch out...elves are seriously lacking in terms of strength/endurance/constitution.  If you get unnerved by a low health bar, buck up, become an orc, and wield a warhammer instead.

Unless he shoots that bear square in the mouth, this isn't going to be a pretty fight. 

So there is the wood elf stereotype, if you will. And really, the stereotype doesn’t just apply to their character builds. You can also see it in the lore behind the characters. Games across the board put certain key elements into wood elf lore and culture. First off, they are almost always discriminated against. The Dragon Age series is probably the best example of this. The elves are enslaved or kept in alienages inside the city walls, where they live in poverty. They’re essentially second-class citizens. Same goes for the Elder Scrolls series. Although it’s not as blatantly obvious, elves can run into some serious discrimination in cities. This is particularly true in Skyrim, but one must also consider that the Nords hate just about everyone. Still, there has not yet been an Elder Scrolls game that takes place in the wood elven homeland, so you’re pretty much stuck being a foreigner no matter what. (TES III: Morrowind does take place in the native land of the Dark Elves, but they're not the ones we're concerned with.) Those big pointy ears don’t help you blend in, either.

The Elven Alienage in all its..erm...splendor.

                Wood elves also lend themselves to a pretty rich history if you do some digging. A lot of games (I’m specifically looking at TES and Dragon Age, because they have strong elf lore, but you can find it in other games as well. Forgotten Realms has an interesting and detailed elven history.) Usually, the elven history has a lot to do with the elves being somewhat reclusive, and contact with other races usually doesn’t go well. Take the Dragon Age Dalish, for example. Their tribes have little contact with humans, and what contact does occur usually does not end well. (See: every city elf in Thedas.) In Tamriel, the Valenwood Bosmer get involved in lots of conflicts with many different factions, including armies from Cyrodiil and Elsewyr.

Tribal Dalish. Good stuff. 

 In addition to that, the wood elves are usually pretty spiritual. I’m gonna refer you to Elder Scrolls on this one, because frankly I find it fascinating and I don’t care if it’s a little irrelevant. Most wood elf races have a deep connection to the land and the gods that guard it. If I may refer you to the Green Pact in Elder Scrolls lore…the Bosmer made a pact with the forest god Y’ffre that they would not harm any of the vegetation in their homeland. So they rely on rock and imported timber for building supplies. Weapons and armor are made from animal bone and hide. But that’s not the best part. Because of the pact, the Bosmer are almost strictly carnivorous. But they don’t just eat wild game. They eat the enemies they kill in combat. A Bosmer warrior is expected to eat his fallen enemy within three days. If he so chooses, his family can help. Wood elves = cannibals. Who knew they were so intense?

Valenwood concept art for The Elder Scrolls Online.

But I’m not just here to blabber on about the elves as seen in games. I love the race. I really do. So I wondered where they came from and how they came to be portrayed as they are today.  Elves sprung up in Germanic mythology/folklore. They first popped up in Old English and Old Norse texts, and they’re highly popular in both British and Scandinavian folklore. They were originally fairly ambivalent creatures. They could help or hinder humans with their magical abilities as they so chose. But as time went on, they became more and more sinister.

Old school elves were not very attractive. 

The origin of the word elf is Old English (aelf). It’s believed this comes from an even older word (albiz) that means “white.” Elves appeared in many mythological stories all over Europe and the British Isles. They were generally sneaky and mischievous creatures, although sometimes portrayed in a positive light. Usually, they were kept away from. They went from mythology into fantasy fiction around the 20^th century, after the Brothers Grimm and a few others collected folklore/fairytales and retold them to a general audience. The prominence of elves in fantasy fiction was cemented in the early 1900s with the release of two novels: The King of Elfland’s Daughter (Lord Dunsany) and The Hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien).  That’s right friends, we have Mr. Tolkien to thank for the elves we know and love today. Elves were central to his Middle-Earth mythology (especially in The Silmarillion). Because his books earned such a large fanbase, the elf reemerged into modern popular culture. Elves and elven language began to emerge in all sorts of books, movies, and role playing games.  The Tolkien fantasy elf was particularly popularized by Dungeons & Dragons, in which they were portrayed as being not only more beautiful than mortals, but also wiser, more perceptive, and with sharper senses.  They were said to be skilled archers who were also proficient in magic and loved nature, art, and music. And thus the modern elf was born.

I would punch a baby for that perfect elven skin.

If you’ve never played an elven character before, I highly suggest that you try it at least once. If nothing else, it’s research, right? And besides, who can complain about being short, beautiful, and deadly?

You can't say they're not beautiful. Come on.

Pick your bows up, Bosmers. Mischief awaits.

Comic: Reclamation of Relationship

Almost based on a true story. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who can relate when a new game comes out. Needless to say, she was relieved when it was over. Little does she know, multiplayer lives on...

Halo 4: A Desperate Quest to Save Your Digital Girlfriend

"I won't let that happen."

"And if it happens anyway?"

Since Halo's first installment in 2001, Master Chief has been portrayed as an unstoppable force of nature on the battlefield of the future. He can obliterate entire battalions of advanced interstellar life with his bare hands, survive a fall from orbit, and inspire the forces of Earth with his presence alone. Yet for all that, for the very first time in his decade spanning career, we see a side of Chief that no universe threatening alien, cosmic death ray, or physical wound could produce.We see him question what he is. We see him falter. We see the man behind the helmet. And I will not tell you why.

Get ready for answers.

Selfish? Perhaps. But the story line of Halo 4, particularly its ending, is the best out of all the games in the series and I will not ruin it for anyone who plans to play it and I certainly recommend any fan of FPS or science fiction do. 343 did an amazing job taking over for Bungie and the story they deliver is mature, entertaining, and much less cryptic than previous installments. 

"And that cloud looks like a space ship!"
"Shut up, Cortana, you're drunk."

After an unexpected cinematic featuring Dr. Halsey, the creator of the Spartans, that hints at the mental health of her Spartans (it was at this point I knew things would get interesting as the actual psychological aspect of the super soldiers has never been touched in the games before) we begin where the third game left off; Chief is awakened by Cortana inside the disabled UNSC frigate Forward Onto Dawn that has drifted toward an unidentified alien planet. After realizing the ship has been boarded by Covenant we enter a firefight that spans throughout the ship and on to the hull, ending in a climactic battle through open space and the shattered remains of an alien cruiser. You are then sucked through a gravity well and land on the alien planet's surface.

o

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things  is a digital representation of an
assimilated ancient human.

Welcome to Requiem, an ancient forerunner planet and the settting for most of the game. You will battle through canyons, valleys, jungles, and massive alien structures on your quest to find the advanced UNSC ship Infinity that has approached the planet on the tail of Forward Onto Dawn's distress beacon. The three major plot points of the story come up at this point: the forerunner antagonist called the Didact whom you unwittingly release from prison (and who's true motive I won't spoil here), the new batch of Spartans on board the Infinity led by a real prick of a Captain you'll continuously butt heads with, and the fact that Cortana is rapidly thinking herself to death inside of your head.

Prepare yourself for feels.

Cortana, as an AI, has a lifespan of about 7 years. It has been 8 since her creation. The condition she is facing, called rampancy, causes her to break down into conflicting copies of herself like insane digital schizophrenia. Her condition steadily worsens as the game progresses; she argues with the conflicting personalities that are created as she breaks down, struggles to maintain her composure as she hacks enemy computer systems, and even disrupts your internal computers and display as she struggles to hold it together. Master Chief, being the relentless totem of bad ass that he is, refuses to acknowledge Cortana's failing health and continuously tells her that she will be fine and that he will get her back to Dr. Halsey (who created Cortana from her own nuero-tissue) and save her from herself.

Leave it to DeviantArt to find this image.

Cortana's deteriorating condition is the driving force of the narrative. She has been your trusty blue companion throughout the entire series and hearing her scream in agony as her very essence is ripped to shreds is gripping, as is the Chief's determination to save her. In the second act it becomes all too apparent how much you rely on her to survive on the battlefield as her abilities to navigate the terrain, manipulate technology, and coordinate allied forces are compromised. It's this arc that keeps me thinking about the game and it's powerful conclusion after I completed the campaign. It's what's got me excited about this new addition and what it means for future installments. The story exquisitely handles the relationship between Chief and Cortana, from it's  borderline romantics, to its grand design as the fruition of all mankind's effort and evolution.

The Mammoth is so friggin' awesome.

As far as the mechanics go, the game is tight and challenging. The new breed of enemies, the Prometheans,  are coordinated and challenging. There are several noteworthy moments like manning a giant land carrier called the Mammoth and making your way through a massive valley with acidic rivers and a spaceship shattering rail gun to piloting a fighter through a trench on the Didact's ship in a scene that will have Star Wars fans creaming their pants. The game really picks up in the second half and expect to encounter a lot of mechanics that exist in just a single level and never to be seen again which keeps the game fresh and interesting. You will also notice a lot of the redundant level design that was heavy in the previous games is missing. Don't expect much in the way of weapon innovation, all the staples are there and going nowhere (although rockets no longer lock on and there are mechs.)

Being able to shoot while holding the flag is a welcome addition.

Multiplayer is back with a new Spartan Hub interface which allows you to customize load outs and buy perks similar to the Call of Duty franchise and is so big it requires a second disk that needs to be installed on your HDD to play or downloaded from Xbox Live. There are ton of armor customization options this time around, some you unlock just by leveling up and others that require specific challenges to be met, like running over 50 guys with with a Warthog. All the familiar modes are there, Juggernaught (Regicide), Zombies (Flood), Capture the Flag, SWAT, and Big Team Slayer to name a few though I'm still waiting on them to add multi-team so I can get back to Rocket Race. Firefight has been replaced by Spartan Ops which is a separate campaign that is released as episodic content and features your custom-made Spartan as a member of Crimson company that is composed of you and your buddies or match-made players and trust me, after playing it you won't miss Firefight at all.

Who needed giant robots? Halo needed giant robots.

As a Halo fan I was not disappointed. 343 did an amazing job and they make a point to thank the fans for allowing them this chance to take Halo in a new direction as evident in the credits and the first pop up message that appears when you boot up the game. The music, graphics, voices, and game play all exceed expectations and had me hooked in a way video games haven't for a very long time. So go buy it and suit up, Spartan! Those alien bastards aint gonna teabag themselves!

Comic: Social Enmity

It doesn't happen as often as it used to but when I get hooked on a game, I get hooked. Nothing and no one can separate me from new-found digital asylum in which I have become more than flesh and transcended into the realm of absolute being that my brain tells me is inside my Xbox. 

This emotion will develop from the initial "I can quit anytime" emotion to "Why would I want to do anything else?" phase to the climactic "CONTROLLER AND I HAVE BECOME ONE" and then finally to "I should read a book." 

It's a vicious wave that must be ridden to completion lest suffer a nervous breakdown but it is one that I have grown accustomed to. If any of you have ever felt similar physical reactions, please do relate in the comments.

The Origin of 5 of Your Favorite Fantasy Monsters

Mr. Dwarf has seen better days

They're the standard level 1 bad guys in fantasy video games, they're the creepy little buggers climbing walls and hissing menacingly from behind jagged teeth in movies of swords and shields, and they're so entrenched in fantasy literature it's hard to find a book that doesn't mention them directly or whatever the author chooses to call them in his or her attempt at being original, even though we all know the truth. Imps, goblins, ogres, trolls. They're the staple monsters  in our favorite pop culture fantasy and folk tales and I'm going to tell you where they came from and why we perceive them as the nasty things they are.

Friendly enough.

1. Imps
Starting with the smallest, smelliest, and most irritating of the common fantasy monsters we have the Imp. Mostly known for being mischievous rather than harmful, these little demons are more aggravating than a than a fresh zit that you can't quite pop yet but you know it's there and it hurts like a son of a bitch. You will notice that the ratio of annoying increases in parallel with size.

Just waterin' my imps.

Origin
Imps are a type of demon and entirely German in origin. It should be noted that not all demons in German folklore are malevolent but imps were definitely bastards. They are typically described as the opposite of fairies, who are fun loving and free; imps are wild and general dick faces that liked to switch babies and lead travelers astray because they thought it was HILARIOUS like a college room mate who thinks taking a dump on your pillow is the best thing ever.

Tiny picture is tiny.

Pop Culture
Imps are found to be witch's familiars and irksome little tricksters all throughout the spectrum of pop culture. Sometimes they fly, most times they don't, and they really just like to shit all over everything. Imps are like headcrabs or pubic lice crabs or any kind of crab in general, creepy and slightly salty. They are often hidden in architecture to provide a kind of whimsy and are associated with general mischief  like in Robert Louis Stevenson's 1891 story The Bottle Imp about an imp trapped in a bottle that would grant the owner their every wish, as long as the owner sold the bottle to someone else before their death or face burning in hell fire for all eternity.

I smell man flesh

2. Goblins
They're the small, irritating, and sometimes magical critters you see as the lowest echelon of the fantasy bad guy society. They're a bit bigger than imps and far more common, these guys are ugly, on the front lines, usually dumb, and unquestionably dastardly.

True story.

Origin
Although the exact origin is not known, the word goblin most likely comes from either the Old French word gobelin, the Germanic kobold, Midevil Latin cabalus, or Greek kobalos which means "rouge." Another theory is that it is a derivative of the proper name Gobel which only suggests that no one in ancient times thought a Gobel wasn't a douche. In folklore they appear in the texts of Scandinavia, Germany, Great Britain, Ireland, United States, India, Japan and South Korea and their description hardly changes across the board.

Standard issue.

Pop Culture
Goblins are everywhere from from classic poetry to Magic: The Gathering. The orcs in Tolkein mythology are referred to as goblins and they can be found in everything from Harry Potter to the Elder Scrolls series to one of the best side-scrollers of all time, Ghosts N Goblins.  The list of formats these creatures have crawled their way into is so exhaustive you would have lie down just from thinking about it for too long so I wont even try to get too far into it. Basically, start walking in one direction in the fantasy genre and you're bound to trip over one of these suckers eventually. They have even been attributed to physical locations like Goblin Bay in Ontario Canada and Goblin Combe in Somerset, U.K

Passion for fashion

3. Ogres
They're the big nasty buggers you see eating children and getting on the road again with their donkey sidekick. They are a step up from the goblins with their size and ferocity and appetite for human flesh. They are also a step down in general annoying-ness, with the exception of said donkey counterpart.

At least that's not terrifying

Origin
The word ogre is of French origin which may refer to the inhabitants of Britain prior to human settlement or the word Hongrois which means Hungarian as most western folks thought they were all bunch of jerks and deserved to be put in the same etymological category as flesh eating monsters. It is very interesting to note that trolls and ogres may have been based on the Neanderthals, who lived in caves and practiced cannibalism like their mythological counterparts and have been proven to have lived alongside modern humans until we did what we do best and killed the tits off of them to extinction. The word ogre itself was popularized by the Italian author Giambattista Basile (1575–1632) and is even seen in Beowulf as orcnēas which inspired the name of Tolkeins orcs.

Ha.

Pop Culture
As previously mentioned, Ogres are usually the next step on your path to slaying the grand master evil wizard/emperor/dragon/knight/god/hermaphrodite/lizard/king/demon/icky-nasty at his super sweet skull castle by the volcano and can usually be found in all your classic tales. The most notable ogre of recent memory is obviously Shrek, who, in my opinion, did not eat nearly enough babies. Or Eddie Murphy voiced donkeys.

Lllllllladies!

4. Trolls
The biggest and the baddest, trolls are by far the most powerful monsters on the list based on pop culture use of the creatures and legendary reference. Trolls can live under bridges and charge tolls (check the etymology on that one) like a homeless IRS agent or be found eating hobbits or being captured by really awesome bearded guys in Norway which I will get to in a minute.

I'm noticing a thing with clubs.

Origin
Trolls originated in Norse mythology where they were associated with certain geographical features (frost trolls, cave trolls, etc.) and were generally nasty creatures and not helpful to humans in the rare occasions they spoke to each other rather than eating them or getting turned to stone in the sunlight. Later, they transferred to Scandanavian mythology where they were associated with certain geographical features (frost trolls, cave trolls, etc.) and were generally nasty creatures and not helpful to humans in the rare occasions they spoke to each other rather than got eaten or turned to stone in the sunlight with the added bonus of hating all things good and Christian.

TROOOOLL!!

Pop Culture
Trolls are usually biggest and meanest of creatures in the popular mythos of stories like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and America (well maybe not that one). The Elder Scrolls series tries to keep it fresh by having them look and behave like gorillas crossed with Sam Fisher if you're in to that sort of thing. Personally, I think the best representation of trolls in any sort of modern media can be found in the film Troll Hunter in which a group of students making a documentary (Cloverfield style) track a government paid Troll Hunter who's job is to keep the sometimes massive (like the size of a mountain) creatures out of public eye. It's an incredibly good time and I highly recommend it to anyone for every reason.

There's... Something on the wing!

Bonus: Gremlins
Don't get them wet, don't feed them after midnight, and don't let them have access to power tools or aircraft-grade aluminum. Though not as standard as the other beasties found on this list, the gremlins have a strong following in popular culture and are the newest creature to appear in history.

Jacked the Smurf

Origin
Though the word may derive from the Old English gremian, which means "to vex," the modern use of the word gremlin is to describe creatures described by members of the Royal Air Force in the 1920s that sabotaged aircraft. The most common place to encounter a gremlin you ask? Scotland, as described by Pauline Gower in 1938, is also known as "gremlin country" where they terrible little creatures ran around snipping aircraft wires with scissors.

Giiiiiizmooo

Pop Culture
Though they can be found in Disney productions, Orson Wells radio programs, and most notably the Gremlins films, the most iconic representation to me would be the Twilight Zone depiction of the creature on the wing. You can experience this story in one of three flavor's, Captain Kirk's (Nightmare at 20,000 feet), Frasier's (Nightmare at 60,000 feet),and a very brief Jim Carrey. The tale depicts a gremlin on the wing of an passenger plane and one man's desperate attempt to save the passengers and crew while convincing them of his sanity.

Aint no party like a goblin party

And so now that you know the origins of your favorite monsters so don't be afraid to get out there and start looking. And if you find your car keys misplaced or that oddly shaped rock you saw on your Scandinavian vacation to be the least bit suspicious, who knows? There may be a story there.

Comic (barely): Why Slenderman Is So Angry

Over the weekend (before last), my dear Auverin and I (mostly Auverin) excreted this from our brain glands while screwing around with my tablet and the wondrous MS Paint.

This impressive image can tell many things obviously, but let me break it down: Slenderman is angry because he is being raped by a Teletubby. The pasta-colored mess at his feet is the agateway to Hell from which he spawned. The ghost wanted a hug but Slendy is a troll and stabbed him with a knife and impaled his innards on the tree. The Sun has no idea what is going on. And there are clouds.

The End.

*Editor's Note: There are also barbs on the Teletubby's dick.

Comic: Slenderman

Keeping with the Slenderman theme, this is how shit would go down if I was ever tasked with defending my woman from his creepy creepiness. (click to enlarge)

 

 

Slender Sickness: What Makes the Slender Man so Scary

I can safely assume that anyone who spends a fair amount of time on the Internet has encountered this big guy. There really is no escaping him. (Bad joke, ha.) He even has his own wiki.

Personally, I'm a big fan of Slendy. There are very few monsters that can genuinely creep me out, and this guy is one of them. I have spent more time than I'm willing to admit losing sleep because of a Marble Hornets entry or chickening around in Slender.

The fact that he is so very creepy is what fascinates me about the Slender Man. As a psychology fan and an anthropology student, I feel the need to do some digging. What exactly makes the Slender Man so terrifying? Why is it that grown ass men can't play a game of Slender without wanting to cry?
To answer that question, we have to first define the Slender Man. So, unlike the post of my dear DraconisTheory, we will be digging into the history of Slendy and the finer points of his popularity.

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Although he has no exact origin, The Slender Man myth is said to date back as far as 17th century Germany. In Germanic fairy tales, he was known as Der Ritter -  an exceptionally tall man dressed as a knight or a royal figure. In those times, he was meant to be a cautionary tale for children. Leave it to the Germans to come up with something so damn creepy.

See that nasty thing on the right? 

Slendy allegedly appeared again in the 1900s. This time, he was said to be a freakishly tall man in a suit who had no face. Sometimes he had tentacles, other times he did not. Sightings came from America, Canada, the UK, Germany, and Russia. Most of the reports associated with him were of missing children. Around the mid-1900s, reports came from Germany of soldiers having run-ins with the Slender Man in the forest. Similar reports came from America and Canada, where skiers and children went missing in forested areas. Around the 1980s, a series of buildings supposedly went up in flames for unknown reasons, causing several deaths. This fire became the point of origin for our modern-day Slender Man.

So how did he make it to the vast interwebz?

In 2009, Something Awful Forums launched a paranormal picture contest in which participants were required to take ordinary photos and digitally manipulate them into something creepy and sinister. Then those photographs had to be posted on a number of paranormal forums as authentic photos. An SA user by the name of Victor Surge entered two black and white photographs with a short description naming the Slender Man - a mysterious creature that stalked children.

These two photographs appeared with the following caption:

"We didn't want to go, we didn't want to kill them, but it's persistent silence and outstretched arms horrified and comforted us at the same time..." 1983, photographer unknown, presumed dead.

One of two recovered photographs from the Stirling City Library blaze. Notable for being taken the day which fourteen children vanished and for what is referred to as "The Slender Man". Deformities cited as film defects by officials. Fire at library occured one week later. Actual photograph confiscated as evidence. -1986, photographer: Mary Thomas, missing since June 13, 1986.

And so the Slender Man came to the interwebz. He quickly caught the attention of several websites, the most notable being 4chan. He spread to Unfiction Forums, Fangoria, Bungie, /x/enopedia, TVTropes, DeviantArt, SlenderNation, and Mythical Creatures Guide. This sparked the first of many pseudo-documentaries concerning the Slender Man.

The most popular video accounts come from the Marble Hornets project. This project consists of a series of entries on Youtube that are supposedly tape segments recovered by someone named Jay. These uncovered tapes contain footage of a friend that had disappeared. The tapes document both the unraveling of the friend (Alex) and Jay's search for the truth about what happened to him. In the project, Slendy is known as "The Operator". There are more than 60 videos in the series right now, and the project is still going.

(Here, I will add that I am a huge Marble Hornets fan. The series gives me the creeps, and it does the whole Blair Witch thing very well. Possibly even better than the Blair Witch Project. If you've not seen the series, I highly encourage you to go check it out.)

Other video documentations of the Slender Man have since appeared. These other projects include EverymanHYBRID, DarkHarvest00, MLAndersen0, and TribeTwelve.

Slendy makes an appearance in Marble Hornets. 

Slendy didn't stop at taking over Youtube. Oh no. He even has his own game: Slender (Parsec Productions, download it. It's free!). Now, I could be eloquent and give you a proper overview of the game. But that doesn't do it justice. So instead, I am going to give you a more realistic version. Slender is a simple enough game. You're in the woods with a flashlight. You don't know why you're in the woods. But you are. And you have to wander around in these creepy, dark woods until you find landmarks. There are eight pieces of paper posted on these landmarks. And these pieces of paper have weird, creepy shit written on them. And the whole time you're in these creepy woods looking for these stupid pieces of paper, the Slender Man is behind you, stalking you like the creepy fuck that he is. But you can't run away from him because you're either fat or a child or possibly a fat child. Whatever you are, you're not built for running and you'll make it about three yards before you have to slow down. But Slendy doesn't like to play fair, so any time you find a piece of paper you better haul ass back into the woods. Because finding paper makes Slendy stalk in hyperspeed. You can tell when he's close because you'll hear creepy ass noises and your screen gets all distorted. If it goes completely static, then congratulations: you've been caught by the Slender Man and will probably die in a horrible fashion. 

All that aside, it really is an unsettling game, and has often been compared to Amnesia: The Dark Descent for it's scare factor. Although it is a much simpler game than Amnesia, the reaction videos are just as hilarious. I highly encourage you to go watch them.

Go in the bathroom, they said. It will be fine, they said.

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So know that we know who the Slender Man is and where he came from, we need to explore how he operates before we can determine why he's so frightening. 

Old-school Slendy was very violent. He displayed highly agressive behaviors such as impaling his victims on trees, leaving them to bleed to death, or ripping out a victim's organs. Children were his sole target. 

However, the modern Slender Man is not quite as violent, but somehow much more sinister than his older counterpart. The modern Slender Man is passive aggressive toward his victims. He will stalk his target continuously, and torment the individual by repeatedly making his presence known in an invasive way - appearing inside or around the target's home, on a road during travel, at the workplace when the target is alone, or while the target is sleeping. This elimination of any safe zone tends to spark uneasiness and paranoia in the victim. However, Slendy will probably not attack for a long time. Instead, he will just continue to follow his victims and creep them the fuck out.

If targeted over an extended period of time, victims will usually experience a delve into madness. Paranoia takes over; the victim doesn't feel safe anywhere. Wild mood swings occur, and constant irritation is present. Victims suffer from "Slender Sickness", which is marked by coughing fits, coughing up blood, nausea, vomiting, bloody nose, and fever. The most prominent effect of Slender Sickness is amnesia. Victims will often awaken with no idea where they are, what they are doing, or how they got there. Memory loss can be a period of hours, days, weeks, or even months. It's undetermined whether this memory loss is a defense mechanism triggered by an encounter with the Slender Man, or the work of Slendy himself. Either way, the victim ends up with a life that is in ruins.

When a Slendy target does finally disappear, it is usually not by direct action of the Slender Man. Victims usually disappear on their own, leaving no trace behind. Victims are never found. It is uncertain where exactly the victims go, or what happens to them after they disappear. Any video documentation of an encounter with Slendy is highly distorted (another known effect of his presence), making it almost impossible to see exactly what occurs when he appears. 

Another shot of Slendy, courtesy of Marble Hornets.

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Now I can answer the question I've wanted to answer all along. Why is the Slender Man so fucking terrifying? What is it about him that makes people want to shut their laptops and never sleep again?

I have a guess. This is my "educated opinion" if you will, and I don't claim to be any sort of expert on Slendy or the complex workings of the human psyche. 

The Slender Man is scary for two reasons: 

1. He's invasive.

2. He's a plethora of uncertainties. 

Allow me to elaborate. 

We as a species like the idea of having a safe place we can retreat to. That's why we have doors that lock. So we can keep danger out of our safe place. That is also why we like groups. We like to be with other humans, because that will prevent us from being isolated in a dangerous or otherwise fear-inducing situation.We'd rather be terrified with someone else than terrified alone. But really, we'd prefer not to be terrified at all. 

The Slender Man rips that comfort right out from underneath us. Most monsters have some weakness, or some way that you can escape from them. Some monsters can't go out in the sunlight. Some can only get to you when you're alone. Some can't leave the premises they're found on. Some can be killed. Some, like the monsters in Amnesia, can be hidden from.

Not Slender Man.

Slendy doesn't give a fuck where you are or what you're doing. He's there. Daytime, nighttime. Alone, or around other people. In the woods, in your house, in your workplace, in the shower. Slendy doesn't give a fuck. If you're sleeping, fucking, eating, whatever you're doing, he's fucking watching you. And nothing can stop him. Walls? Fuck that, Slender Man can teleport. And as far as anyone knows, there's no way to kill him. 

Not only does Slendy invade your personal space and make you feel completely unsafe wherever you are, he invades your body and your mind. Once you come into contact with him, you're done for. You lose your shit. You can't remember anything. And the whole time you're losing your shit and trying to remember what the fuck is going on, you're coughing up blood and trying not to puke all over the place. The only thing you can do is wander around while your entire psyche crumbles and wait until you lose your shit so much that you just disappear somewhere and you're never heard from again. 

If Slendy wants to find you, he will find you. You can't escape him. And even when he's gone, you haven't escaped. Once he's got you, he's got you for good and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Game over.

The second terrifying element of Mr. Slender is the uncertainty that surrounds him. Human beings are constantly trying to figure out the world around them. We want to pick everything apart and understand why it is the way it is. How it works. What it does. If we can't figure that out, it bothers us on every level of our existence. It makes us question the very fabric of the universe if we can't make sense of something. 

Now let's think about Slendy for a second. Where did he really come from? No one knows. Why does he do what he does? No one knows. How exactly does he do it? No one knows. No one really knows anything about him other than the fact that he's tall, faceless, and drives people to madness. 

That's exactly the same reason why Hannibal Lecter is so scary. Aside from the mention of survival in Hannibal Rising, no one knows why this vastly intelligent psychiatrist eats people. He just does it. And that is fucking unsettling.

Slender Man just torments people, and that's all we really know about him. That's all we're ever going to know about him. And as humans, that creeps us out on an instinctual level. If we can't understand something, we fear it. 

Maybe he has a reason. Or maybe Slendy is just a sick fuck. Either way, the reaction he induces is one of unadulterated fear. And rightly so - he triggers two of our psyches' most sensitive points.

Now that I have thoroughly bored and/or terrified you all, have some Slender memes.

This is also what I think when Skype gets all weird on me.

No Slendy, that's okay. You can keep the juice.