Wood Elves are Closet Cannibals

Oh, the beloved elf.

I must admit that I am very partial to elven races in pretty much any game I play. So it’s only logical that I produce an article about them, right?

Elf characters are definitely not suited for everyone. If you’re looking to hack and slash your way through a game with as much blood and as many execution kills as possible, I would suggest you choose a different race. But you know that already, don’t you?

Let’s talk about the elf race in general for a minute. Now, when I say elf race, I am thinking of wood elves. Dark elves, high elves, moon elves, and the like are another beast entirely. Keeping that in mind, it’s safe to say that no matter what game you’re playing (or what movie/book you are watching/reading), you can expect certain things out of the them. They’re generally described in the same manner across the board: shorter than other races, pointy ears, blonde to copper hair, green/brown/hazel eyes. All that good stuff. They’re people deeply rooted in the land, and they dress and act accordingly. Simple clothes, armor/weapons made from natural material, you get the picture. Because of their land (or tree) dwelling lifestyle and generally smaller stature, they’re very nimble. Elves are known for their agility and stealth skills, making them a good choice for those who prefer a sneak-and-snipe style of gameplay.

Look at those..that dagger. Yeah, the dagger.

What else are the elves known for? That’s right...archery! Almost every elven race you encounter, no matter what the game, is guaranteed to excel in the marksman skill set. And their affinity for bows isn’t arbitrary; it’s a natural choice for their race because of their sneaking ability and their connection to the land. (I imagine it’s a damn hard thing to make a useful sword out of wood or animal bone, but you can make a hell of a bow out of a tree branch or deer rib if you’ve got the skill.) Besides, most elven races rely on wild game as a primary source of food. And unless you’re wuld nah kest-ing your way through a hunting area, you’re not going to bring that elk down with a longsword.

All that said, you can probably guess how skills are broken up with elven races. Dexterity is the big one. I’ve never encountered a wood elf class that doesn’t have some bonus to dexterity/agility. Speed is up there too. Elves are quick little shits, because they have to be to make up for their general lack of strength and endurance somehow.  I’ve seen some games give elven races a boost to intelligence or magic skills. (This is usually truer for dark or high elves than wood elves, but it does happen.) The only purpose I could see for giving a wood elf those perks would be for healing/restoration magic.  (Unless we’re looking at Dragon Age, which I’ll get to.) You’ll also see perks in areas like marksmanship, light armor, alchemy/herbalism, short (or one handed) weapons, sneak, dual-wielding, and the like. Some games (read: TES), include other perks like poison/disease resistance, special abilities with animals, and so on.  Put all that together, and you’ve got a good foundation to build a ranger, rogue, or scout character. But watch out...elves are seriously lacking in terms of strength/endurance/constitution.  If you get unnerved by a low health bar, buck up, become an orc, and wield a warhammer instead.

Unless he shoots that bear square in the mouth, this isn't going to be a pretty fight. 

So there is the wood elf stereotype, if you will. And really, the stereotype doesn’t just apply to their character builds. You can also see it in the lore behind the characters. Games across the board put certain key elements into wood elf lore and culture. First off, they are almost always discriminated against. The Dragon Age series is probably the best example of this. The elves are enslaved or kept in alienages inside the city walls, where they live in poverty. They’re essentially second-class citizens. Same goes for the Elder Scrolls series. Although it’s not as blatantly obvious, elves can run into some serious discrimination in cities. This is particularly true in Skyrim, but one must also consider that the Nords hate just about everyone. Still, there has not yet been an Elder Scrolls game that takes place in the wood elven homeland, so you’re pretty much stuck being a foreigner no matter what. (TES III: Morrowind does take place in the native land of the Dark Elves, but they're not the ones we're concerned with.) Those big pointy ears don’t help you blend in, either.

The Elven Alienage in all its..erm...splendor.

                Wood elves also lend themselves to a pretty rich history if you do some digging. A lot of games (I’m specifically looking at TES and Dragon Age, because they have strong elf lore, but you can find it in other games as well. Forgotten Realms has an interesting and detailed elven history.) Usually, the elven history has a lot to do with the elves being somewhat reclusive, and contact with other races usually doesn’t go well. Take the Dragon Age Dalish, for example. Their tribes have little contact with humans, and what contact does occur usually does not end well. (See: every city elf in Thedas.) In Tamriel, the Valenwood Bosmer get involved in lots of conflicts with many different factions, including armies from Cyrodiil and Elsewyr.

Tribal Dalish. Good stuff. 

 In addition to that, the wood elves are usually pretty spiritual. I’m gonna refer you to Elder Scrolls on this one, because frankly I find it fascinating and I don’t care if it’s a little irrelevant. Most wood elf races have a deep connection to the land and the gods that guard it. If I may refer you to the Green Pact in Elder Scrolls lore…the Bosmer made a pact with the forest god Y’ffre that they would not harm any of the vegetation in their homeland. So they rely on rock and imported timber for building supplies. Weapons and armor are made from animal bone and hide. But that’s not the best part. Because of the pact, the Bosmer are almost strictly carnivorous. But they don’t just eat wild game. They eat the enemies they kill in combat. A Bosmer warrior is expected to eat his fallen enemy within three days. If he so chooses, his family can help. Wood elves = cannibals. Who knew they were so intense?

Valenwood concept art for The Elder Scrolls Online.

But I’m not just here to blabber on about the elves as seen in games. I love the race. I really do. So I wondered where they came from and how they came to be portrayed as they are today.  Elves sprung up in Germanic mythology/folklore. They first popped up in Old English and Old Norse texts, and they’re highly popular in both British and Scandinavian folklore. They were originally fairly ambivalent creatures. They could help or hinder humans with their magical abilities as they so chose. But as time went on, they became more and more sinister.

Old school elves were not very attractive. 

The origin of the word elf is Old English (aelf). It’s believed this comes from an even older word (albiz) that means “white.” Elves appeared in many mythological stories all over Europe and the British Isles. They were generally sneaky and mischievous creatures, although sometimes portrayed in a positive light. Usually, they were kept away from. They went from mythology into fantasy fiction around the 20^th century, after the Brothers Grimm and a few others collected folklore/fairytales and retold them to a general audience. The prominence of elves in fantasy fiction was cemented in the early 1900s with the release of two novels: The King of Elfland’s Daughter (Lord Dunsany) and The Hobbit (J.R.R. Tolkien).  That’s right friends, we have Mr. Tolkien to thank for the elves we know and love today. Elves were central to his Middle-Earth mythology (especially in The Silmarillion). Because his books earned such a large fanbase, the elf reemerged into modern popular culture. Elves and elven language began to emerge in all sorts of books, movies, and role playing games.  The Tolkien fantasy elf was particularly popularized by Dungeons & Dragons, in which they were portrayed as being not only more beautiful than mortals, but also wiser, more perceptive, and with sharper senses.  They were said to be skilled archers who were also proficient in magic and loved nature, art, and music. And thus the modern elf was born.

I would punch a baby for that perfect elven skin.

If you’ve never played an elven character before, I highly suggest that you try it at least once. If nothing else, it’s research, right? And besides, who can complain about being short, beautiful, and deadly?

You can't say they're not beautiful. Come on.

Pick your bows up, Bosmers. Mischief awaits.

Comic: Reclamation of Relationship

Almost based on a true story. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who can relate when a new game comes out. Needless to say, she was relieved when it was over. Little does she know, multiplayer lives on...

Halo 4: A Desperate Quest to Save Your Digital Girlfriend

"I won't let that happen."

"And if it happens anyway?"

Since Halo's first installment in 2001, Master Chief has been portrayed as an unstoppable force of nature on the battlefield of the future. He can obliterate entire battalions of advanced interstellar life with his bare hands, survive a fall from orbit, and inspire the forces of Earth with his presence alone. Yet for all that, for the very first time in his decade spanning career, we see a side of Chief that no universe threatening alien, cosmic death ray, or physical wound could produce.We see him question what he is. We see him falter. We see the man behind the helmet. And I will not tell you why.

Get ready for answers.

Selfish? Perhaps. But the story line of Halo 4, particularly its ending, is the best out of all the games in the series and I will not ruin it for anyone who plans to play it and I certainly recommend any fan of FPS or science fiction do. 343 did an amazing job taking over for Bungie and the story they deliver is mature, entertaining, and much less cryptic than previous installments. 

"And that cloud looks like a space ship!"
"Shut up, Cortana, you're drunk."

After an unexpected cinematic featuring Dr. Halsey, the creator of the Spartans, that hints at the mental health of her Spartans (it was at this point I knew things would get interesting as the actual psychological aspect of the super soldiers has never been touched in the games before) we begin where the third game left off; Chief is awakened by Cortana inside the disabled UNSC frigate Forward Onto Dawn that has drifted toward an unidentified alien planet. After realizing the ship has been boarded by Covenant we enter a firefight that spans throughout the ship and on to the hull, ending in a climactic battle through open space and the shattered remains of an alien cruiser. You are then sucked through a gravity well and land on the alien planet's surface.

o

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things  is a digital representation of an
assimilated ancient human.

Welcome to Requiem, an ancient forerunner planet and the settting for most of the game. You will battle through canyons, valleys, jungles, and massive alien structures on your quest to find the advanced UNSC ship Infinity that has approached the planet on the tail of Forward Onto Dawn's distress beacon. The three major plot points of the story come up at this point: the forerunner antagonist called the Didact whom you unwittingly release from prison (and who's true motive I won't spoil here), the new batch of Spartans on board the Infinity led by a real prick of a Captain you'll continuously butt heads with, and the fact that Cortana is rapidly thinking herself to death inside of your head.

Prepare yourself for feels.

Cortana, as an AI, has a lifespan of about 7 years. It has been 8 since her creation. The condition she is facing, called rampancy, causes her to break down into conflicting copies of herself like insane digital schizophrenia. Her condition steadily worsens as the game progresses; she argues with the conflicting personalities that are created as she breaks down, struggles to maintain her composure as she hacks enemy computer systems, and even disrupts your internal computers and display as she struggles to hold it together. Master Chief, being the relentless totem of bad ass that he is, refuses to acknowledge Cortana's failing health and continuously tells her that she will be fine and that he will get her back to Dr. Halsey (who created Cortana from her own nuero-tissue) and save her from herself.

Leave it to DeviantArt to find this image.

Cortana's deteriorating condition is the driving force of the narrative. She has been your trusty blue companion throughout the entire series and hearing her scream in agony as her very essence is ripped to shreds is gripping, as is the Chief's determination to save her. In the second act it becomes all too apparent how much you rely on her to survive on the battlefield as her abilities to navigate the terrain, manipulate technology, and coordinate allied forces are compromised. It's this arc that keeps me thinking about the game and it's powerful conclusion after I completed the campaign. It's what's got me excited about this new addition and what it means for future installments. The story exquisitely handles the relationship between Chief and Cortana, from it's  borderline romantics, to its grand design as the fruition of all mankind's effort and evolution.

The Mammoth is so friggin' awesome.

As far as the mechanics go, the game is tight and challenging. The new breed of enemies, the Prometheans,  are coordinated and challenging. There are several noteworthy moments like manning a giant land carrier called the Mammoth and making your way through a massive valley with acidic rivers and a spaceship shattering rail gun to piloting a fighter through a trench on the Didact's ship in a scene that will have Star Wars fans creaming their pants. The game really picks up in the second half and expect to encounter a lot of mechanics that exist in just a single level and never to be seen again which keeps the game fresh and interesting. You will also notice a lot of the redundant level design that was heavy in the previous games is missing. Don't expect much in the way of weapon innovation, all the staples are there and going nowhere (although rockets no longer lock on and there are mechs.)

Being able to shoot while holding the flag is a welcome addition.

Multiplayer is back with a new Spartan Hub interface which allows you to customize load outs and buy perks similar to the Call of Duty franchise and is so big it requires a second disk that needs to be installed on your HDD to play or downloaded from Xbox Live. There are ton of armor customization options this time around, some you unlock just by leveling up and others that require specific challenges to be met, like running over 50 guys with with a Warthog. All the familiar modes are there, Juggernaught (Regicide), Zombies (Flood), Capture the Flag, SWAT, and Big Team Slayer to name a few though I'm still waiting on them to add multi-team so I can get back to Rocket Race. Firefight has been replaced by Spartan Ops which is a separate campaign that is released as episodic content and features your custom-made Spartan as a member of Crimson company that is composed of you and your buddies or match-made players and trust me, after playing it you won't miss Firefight at all.

Who needed giant robots? Halo needed giant robots.

As a Halo fan I was not disappointed. 343 did an amazing job and they make a point to thank the fans for allowing them this chance to take Halo in a new direction as evident in the credits and the first pop up message that appears when you boot up the game. The music, graphics, voices, and game play all exceed expectations and had me hooked in a way video games haven't for a very long time. So go buy it and suit up, Spartan! Those alien bastards aint gonna teabag themselves!

Comic: Social Enmity

It doesn't happen as often as it used to but when I get hooked on a game, I get hooked. Nothing and no one can separate me from new-found digital asylum in which I have become more than flesh and transcended into the realm of absolute being that my brain tells me is inside my Xbox. 

This emotion will develop from the initial "I can quit anytime" emotion to "Why would I want to do anything else?" phase to the climactic "CONTROLLER AND I HAVE BECOME ONE" and then finally to "I should read a book." 

It's a vicious wave that must be ridden to completion lest suffer a nervous breakdown but it is one that I have grown accustomed to. If any of you have ever felt similar physical reactions, please do relate in the comments.

The Origin of 5 of Your Favorite Fantasy Monsters

Mr. Dwarf has seen better days

They're the standard level 1 bad guys in fantasy video games, they're the creepy little buggers climbing walls and hissing menacingly from behind jagged teeth in movies of swords and shields, and they're so entrenched in fantasy literature it's hard to find a book that doesn't mention them directly or whatever the author chooses to call them in his or her attempt at being original, even though we all know the truth. Imps, goblins, ogres, trolls. They're the staple monsters  in our favorite pop culture fantasy and folk tales and I'm going to tell you where they came from and why we perceive them as the nasty things they are.

Friendly enough.

1. Imps
Starting with the smallest, smelliest, and most irritating of the common fantasy monsters we have the Imp. Mostly known for being mischievous rather than harmful, these little demons are more aggravating than a than a fresh zit that you can't quite pop yet but you know it's there and it hurts like a son of a bitch. You will notice that the ratio of annoying increases in parallel with size.

Just waterin' my imps.

Origin
Imps are a type of demon and entirely German in origin. It should be noted that not all demons in German folklore are malevolent but imps were definitely bastards. They are typically described as the opposite of fairies, who are fun loving and free; imps are wild and general dick faces that liked to switch babies and lead travelers astray because they thought it was HILARIOUS like a college room mate who thinks taking a dump on your pillow is the best thing ever.

Tiny picture is tiny.

Pop Culture
Imps are found to be witch's familiars and irksome little tricksters all throughout the spectrum of pop culture. Sometimes they fly, most times they don't, and they really just like to shit all over everything. Imps are like headcrabs or pubic lice crabs or any kind of crab in general, creepy and slightly salty. They are often hidden in architecture to provide a kind of whimsy and are associated with general mischief  like in Robert Louis Stevenson's 1891 story The Bottle Imp about an imp trapped in a bottle that would grant the owner their every wish, as long as the owner sold the bottle to someone else before their death or face burning in hell fire for all eternity.

I smell man flesh

2. Goblins
They're the small, irritating, and sometimes magical critters you see as the lowest echelon of the fantasy bad guy society. They're a bit bigger than imps and far more common, these guys are ugly, on the front lines, usually dumb, and unquestionably dastardly.

True story.

Origin
Although the exact origin is not known, the word goblin most likely comes from either the Old French word gobelin, the Germanic kobold, Midevil Latin cabalus, or Greek kobalos which means "rouge." Another theory is that it is a derivative of the proper name Gobel which only suggests that no one in ancient times thought a Gobel wasn't a douche. In folklore they appear in the texts of Scandinavia, Germany, Great Britain, Ireland, United States, India, Japan and South Korea and their description hardly changes across the board.

Standard issue.

Pop Culture
Goblins are everywhere from from classic poetry to Magic: The Gathering. The orcs in Tolkein mythology are referred to as goblins and they can be found in everything from Harry Potter to the Elder Scrolls series to one of the best side-scrollers of all time, Ghosts N Goblins.  The list of formats these creatures have crawled their way into is so exhaustive you would have lie down just from thinking about it for too long so I wont even try to get too far into it. Basically, start walking in one direction in the fantasy genre and you're bound to trip over one of these suckers eventually. They have even been attributed to physical locations like Goblin Bay in Ontario Canada and Goblin Combe in Somerset, U.K

Passion for fashion

3. Ogres
They're the big nasty buggers you see eating children and getting on the road again with their donkey sidekick. They are a step up from the goblins with their size and ferocity and appetite for human flesh. They are also a step down in general annoying-ness, with the exception of said donkey counterpart.

At least that's not terrifying

Origin
The word ogre is of French origin which may refer to the inhabitants of Britain prior to human settlement or the word Hongrois which means Hungarian as most western folks thought they were all bunch of jerks and deserved to be put in the same etymological category as flesh eating monsters. It is very interesting to note that trolls and ogres may have been based on the Neanderthals, who lived in caves and practiced cannibalism like their mythological counterparts and have been proven to have lived alongside modern humans until we did what we do best and killed the tits off of them to extinction. The word ogre itself was popularized by the Italian author Giambattista Basile (1575–1632) and is even seen in Beowulf as orcnēas which inspired the name of Tolkeins orcs.

Ha.

Pop Culture
As previously mentioned, Ogres are usually the next step on your path to slaying the grand master evil wizard/emperor/dragon/knight/god/hermaphrodite/lizard/king/demon/icky-nasty at his super sweet skull castle by the volcano and can usually be found in all your classic tales. The most notable ogre of recent memory is obviously Shrek, who, in my opinion, did not eat nearly enough babies. Or Eddie Murphy voiced donkeys.

Lllllllladies!

4. Trolls
The biggest and the baddest, trolls are by far the most powerful monsters on the list based on pop culture use of the creatures and legendary reference. Trolls can live under bridges and charge tolls (check the etymology on that one) like a homeless IRS agent or be found eating hobbits or being captured by really awesome bearded guys in Norway which I will get to in a minute.

I'm noticing a thing with clubs.

Origin
Trolls originated in Norse mythology where they were associated with certain geographical features (frost trolls, cave trolls, etc.) and were generally nasty creatures and not helpful to humans in the rare occasions they spoke to each other rather than eating them or getting turned to stone in the sunlight. Later, they transferred to Scandanavian mythology where they were associated with certain geographical features (frost trolls, cave trolls, etc.) and were generally nasty creatures and not helpful to humans in the rare occasions they spoke to each other rather than got eaten or turned to stone in the sunlight with the added bonus of hating all things good and Christian.

TROOOOLL!!

Pop Culture
Trolls are usually biggest and meanest of creatures in the popular mythos of stories like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and America (well maybe not that one). The Elder Scrolls series tries to keep it fresh by having them look and behave like gorillas crossed with Sam Fisher if you're in to that sort of thing. Personally, I think the best representation of trolls in any sort of modern media can be found in the film Troll Hunter in which a group of students making a documentary (Cloverfield style) track a government paid Troll Hunter who's job is to keep the sometimes massive (like the size of a mountain) creatures out of public eye. It's an incredibly good time and I highly recommend it to anyone for every reason.

There's... Something on the wing!

Bonus: Gremlins
Don't get them wet, don't feed them after midnight, and don't let them have access to power tools or aircraft-grade aluminum. Though not as standard as the other beasties found on this list, the gremlins have a strong following in popular culture and are the newest creature to appear in history.

Jacked the Smurf

Origin
Though the word may derive from the Old English gremian, which means "to vex," the modern use of the word gremlin is to describe creatures described by members of the Royal Air Force in the 1920s that sabotaged aircraft. The most common place to encounter a gremlin you ask? Scotland, as described by Pauline Gower in 1938, is also known as "gremlin country" where they terrible little creatures ran around snipping aircraft wires with scissors.

Giiiiiizmooo

Pop Culture
Though they can be found in Disney productions, Orson Wells radio programs, and most notably the Gremlins films, the most iconic representation to me would be the Twilight Zone depiction of the creature on the wing. You can experience this story in one of three flavor's, Captain Kirk's (Nightmare at 20,000 feet), Frasier's (Nightmare at 60,000 feet),and a very brief Jim Carrey. The tale depicts a gremlin on the wing of an passenger plane and one man's desperate attempt to save the passengers and crew while convincing them of his sanity.

Aint no party like a goblin party

And so now that you know the origins of your favorite monsters so don't be afraid to get out there and start looking. And if you find your car keys misplaced or that oddly shaped rock you saw on your Scandinavian vacation to be the least bit suspicious, who knows? There may be a story there.

Comic (barely): Why Slenderman Is So Angry

Over the weekend (before last), my dear Auverin and I (mostly Auverin) excreted this from our brain glands while screwing around with my tablet and the wondrous MS Paint.

This impressive image can tell many things obviously, but let me break it down: Slenderman is angry because he is being raped by a Teletubby. The pasta-colored mess at his feet is the agateway to Hell from which he spawned. The ghost wanted a hug but Slendy is a troll and stabbed him with a knife and impaled his innards on the tree. The Sun has no idea what is going on. And there are clouds.

The End.

*Editor's Note: There are also barbs on the Teletubby's dick.

Comic: Slenderman

Keeping with the Slenderman theme, this is how shit would go down if I was ever tasked with defending my woman from his creepy creepiness. (click to enlarge)